How To Be Rib Punched By An Old Lady At Goodwill

I recall a Firm Rule Of Life: When you’re in a crowded elevator and someone rips one, everybody’s just going to blame the fat guy.

Hi gang,

There is literally nothing better on the planet than being in a Goodwill on 25% Senior Discount Tuesday.

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On Tuesdays, Goodwill becomes Florida.  There are elderly people bumping their carts into one another, standing next to each other yet shouting conversations so the whole store can hear, and paying for their merchandise with piles of loose change. It’s Heaven. And by Heaven, I mean it’s Satan’s Anus.

My advice to anyone is to just stay away from Goodwill on Tuesday. But for thrifters, that’s like telling a crack addict to “just lay off the stuff for today, Bob”. Good luck.

Here’s what happened to me on Tuesday at Goodwill.  I am not making a word of this up.

I was standing in front of the DVD’s, just browsing through them for any gems I might spot.  Out of nowhere, this spitfire of an elderly woman was standing right next to me – like literally out of nowhere, like she was a Sith Lord or something.  Not only is she standing next to me – she’s practically standing ON me. That’s right folks – she’s crowding me out. She’s blocking my path to the DVD’s like a defensive guard.

Baffled, I turn to her and say “mam’n, I’ll be done in just a second. You’re standing a little to close to me”

Without the slightest hesitation, she screams “THEY’RE NOT JUST YOURS!!! THEY’RE MINE TOO!!!” loud enough for half the store to hear her.

As I stare at her, I realize that half of the store is looking at us, and I have the sad realization that a big brown man is not going to win the hearts and minds of the Goodwill over an old lady.  I back off.

Here’s the part where it gets nuts.

I spend a few minutes looking at the books, and Crazy Old Lady gives up her DVD search and walks away. I wander back over to the DVD’s and begin looking again.  Just then a Goodwill employee walks over and sets a few more DVD’s on the shelf.  I pick them up, take a look, and set them back down.  Goodwill guy shows up again with more. He sets them on the shelf. I pick them up, take a look, and set them back down. For a third time, the Goodwill guy walks over and sets down a few boxsets. They look pretty interesting.

As I reach my hand out to pick them up, I suddenly hear “No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” from my right. As I turn my head towards the racket, I am slammed into from the right by, you guessed it, Crazy Old Lady. She flies between me and the DVD’s, knocking my hand away and slamming into my ribs.

“I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THESE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!!” she hisses at me as she scoops them all up into her arms.

Again, I feel the judgemental stare of the Goodwill, and realize that I am just not going to win this situation.  I recall a Firm Rule Of Life:  When you’re in a crowded elevator and someone rips one, everybody’s just going to blame the fat guy.  I was the fat guy.

“All yours,” I say. I walked out of the Goodwill with my hat in my hand.

Do NOT go to Goodwill on 25% Senior Discount Tuesday.

-Kevin

Come play with me at GodImSexy.com

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